The tricky part of getting my stuff edited is that I’m nearly phobic about showing my actual creative output to other people. One of the reasons I started writing on this blog way back when, actually. Trying to get used to other people actually seeing what I put out. Also the reason why I do the reviews I do, because if I tried to put more effort into the quality I would never get anything out because I occasionally have panic attacks thinking about people judging my stuff. But if I keep them casual and purposefully subjective, it avoids the whole being judged thing. Personal opinion and all that. Anyway, that’s why editing is tough for me on occasion. Getting someone else to look at my work is, well, it hits a lot of the annoying glitches in my brain.
So figured I’d side-step sending it out to anyone in particular and just make it just another blogpost. So here’s what I have for Alicorn Retirement Home so far (still a working title but I haven’t come up with anything better yet). Any thoughts, editing, grammar mistakes, whatever, would be appreciated. As detailed or vague as you want. My thoughts on format is going to be a intro chapter, which will be along the lines of the third section down there. Then each chapter will be a short scene/vinette with Luna talking with a relative or two. No actual story in mind, though might come up with one to work in there later. Much like my previous attempt Luna Just Learned About The Play “A Hearth’s Warming Carol” this would be just slice of life silliness.
What if Princess Luna wasn’t alone on the moon? What if the moon was actually the Alicorn retirement home and her exile was actually just community service. A thousand years of having to listen to the old Alicorns complaining about how things were better in the eons past, before all this fancy organic compounds and sentient life business.
“You youngins with your externally persisting shared reality. In my day when you wanted to go someplace you created a uphill path and forged your destination out of the cosmic forces using only sheer willpower. Young Alicorns have got it too easy these days. Hey Tuna, you be sure to tell your sister she’s doing a terrible thing encouraging those, whatta call ’em, …mortals? Yeah, that was the word. Anyway, encouraging them to exist just to rationalize this whole persistent world concept she’s so obsessed with.”
“Yes grandfather, whatever you say grandfather, and my name is Luna.” Princess Luna rubbed her face with both front hooves as she muttered to herself. “Just another seven hundred years. Just another seven hundred years.”
Possible story description:
An alternative look to the horrible tragic experiences Princess Luna went through during her thousand year banishment. The torture of… being forced to listen to the old ponies of the alicorn retirement home. All her family that sat around in the nebulous ether with nothing better to do but complain and tell stories about the good old days. For one thousand endless years. None of them have any new stories since the last time Luna briefly visited a few centuries previous, but that doesn’t stop them from telling them all again.
This story mostly consists of ultra-powerful god alicorns speaking to each other in the pure language of creation and concepts. It has been translated to modern text for the convenience of the readers who can’t broadcast pure thought-concepts into other souls. As a result, several terms are used that in no way resemble the terms the elder alicorns would use for things, but should hopefully give you readers a coherent idea of what they are actually talking about. (In other words, no complaining about cultural realism in this silly comedy fic).
This is not a full story in itself. It is closer to a few amusing vignettes based around the core concept.
I wonder why it tastes like raspberries?
That was Nightmare Moon’s first thought as she felt the unrestrained power of harmony deposit her someplace before vanishing.
Nightmare Moon’s vision cleared from the rainbow brightness and she found herself on a featureless plain of grey rock and dust. She looked up to see the green and blue world spread across the sky below her. The thoughts in her head stumbled to a stop as she realized what must have happened. Eyes going wide as she followed the train of thought to it’s inescapable conculsion.
“No, no, no, no!” Nightmare Moon slammed her armored hooves on the ground as she screamed her disbelief. Blasts of magic scortching the rock around her as she tried to teleport back home. “Not here! It was supposed to turn me into stone like Discord! Or banish me outside of time like the Crystal Empire! Not this. Anything but this!”
Time was meaningless on the moon for oh so many reasons. Hours, days, weeks. How long the panic and trantrum lasted isn’t really important. Eventually Princess Luna dispelled the aura of void magic she had been holding around her and collapsed to the ground with a sigh. Staring across the grey surface for a while before giving up. She stood up and fluttered her wings to blow some of the dust off her and lit up her horn. Reaching down past the unicorn magic, the pegasus magic (which had nothing to interact with at the moment due to lack of air), and the earth pony magic (which was having a nervous breakdown of its own at the moment), touching the source of her alicorn magic. Using that connection to the divine pattern of harmony to step out of the physical world and appear in the shining limbo that was anchored to the moon’s gravity.
Shining whiteness along with swirling heavenly lights replaced grey and blackness. The sounds of voices filled the empty silence of no atmosphere. One voice it particular shouted with desperate hope.
“Luna! Thank mother you are here! It’s been so long since the last time you or Celestia visited I was giving up hope that I’d ever see you again! How long are you staying?” Alicorn Princess Centuria nearly tackled Luna and hugged tightly.
“Quite some time.” Luna did hug back. It was good to see her other elder sister again even considering the circumstances. “You know, you can always come visit us.”
“And let one of them wander out and break something? I do take my duties seriously.” Centuria pulled back and frowned. “What’s wrong Luna? You look like someone who is having a very bad day.”
“Because I’m having a very bad day. I kind of… went a little crazy down there. Sister had to use the Elements of Harmony on me. So…” Luna sighed and covered her face with both hooves. “I guess I’m stuck here for….” Luna lit her horn to touch her Alicorn magic again to feel the will of harmony around her. “…a thousand years. Joy.”
Centuria just blinked. Then broke into giggles. Which turned into loud laughter as she fell down and rolled over onto her back. Hooves flailing in the air as the amusement of the situation overwhelmed her. Luna just rolled her eyes, setting her hoof back on the floor (floor-like surface of cosmic forces) to wait out the gale. It took quite a while.
“Ahem. Sorry.” Centuria covered her mouth with a hoof as she tried to step back down to giggles. “I can’t say that it’s good to have the help. Maybe I can even take a little vacation while you are here, once you get the hang of keeping them here.”
Wreathed in immense cosmic forces. The elder Alicorn that approached was more or less a vaguely pony-shaped aura of blazing etherial light. Mane and tail flickering flames of elemental solar fire, her body the sharp cold blackness of the space between the stars. Two piercing eyes the same green as ancient dragon flame peered out of where the face should be. Her voice was the same as the choir that sang at the beginning of all things.
“Little lulu! I haven’t seen you in forever. Did you come to say hello to your auntie?”
“…hello aunt Dawn.” Luna stopped her attempts to slink away before she had been noticed. “I hope you are well?”
“Of course! Your sister hasn’t lost her touch with those delicious little pastries she makes.”
“…the ones she crafts out of unfelt regrets?” Luna was still struggling to get back into the cosmic mindset. On the plus side, it was impossible to worry about such trivial matters as diarch jealousy when having a conversation was a struggle against having exsistential crises every ten minutes.
“Is that what the secret ingredient is? Huh.” Dawn (the one who brought forth light into the empty void, whose voice created harmony itself, she that created the eternal ethereal realm from pure thought, and six-time millennium ethereal realm poker championship first place winner) said thoughtfully. “I should try it directly. Do you know where she keeps this… what did you call it, regret? What is it?”
“…it’s a mortal thing, aunt Dawn. You wouldn’t like the raw form.” Luna wasn’t even sure if the elder Alicorns could even feel such base emotions as regret. “I don’t know where she keeps her cooking supplies in any case. I’ve only been here for… I haven’t been around much since her last reorganization.”
“Oh well. Sounds like it’s probably for the best.” Dawn pulled Luna to her side with a wing whose every flutter sent ribbons of the pure energy of creation through the air. Luna wiggled at how they tickled against her feathers. “Come tell your auntie about everything since I last saw you. Seeing any new universes? Gotten that delightful biological pleasure obsession out of your system yet? How’s Celestia? She hasn’t written in forever.”
Luna didn’t even try to resist being pulled along. Mostly because she wasn’t in the right mindset to even perceive the direction her aunt was going. The seventh cardinal direction? Maybe? It’s hard to brace yourself when you aren’t sure which direction is away from where you are going. Her ears went flat against her head in a equally futile attempt to block her aunt’s constant chattering. Glad that the blush on her cheeks wasn’t going to be noticed at the mention of her enjoyment of the whole physical pleasure thing. She found herself on a comfortable chair-like piece of infinity across a small nook table from her aunt. In front of her was a cup of steaming… Luna sniffed at the drink. Fond memories. Not a bad treat. She sipped at it as she looked over at her smiling aunt. Luna gave a little smile in return.
“Soooo…..?” Dawn prompted with a little flick of her tail that sent a gamma ray burst that erased a just barely formed universe tucked in a corner of the room. “What happened that made your sister kick you out of her cute little playhouse?”
Luna sighed as she got caught trying to slip out of this part of the shining realm to get away from the pony now approaching her. Grandma Gravita was one of her least favorite relatives, and that was saying something. The pony who approached her was one of the oldest and largest alicorns. Less a physical presence and more a three-dimensional black void in reality. Not even stars giving her body any sense of scale or light. Mane and tail flowing long enough to always be reaching out of view, yet never quite seen either. Just flowing waves of etherial energy just outside of even Luna’s perceptions. No eyes, but that didn’t stop anypony from feeling like she was glaring at them. Which was all the time.
“Hello, grandma.” Luna greeted her ancestor.
“Hello Luna.” Gravita sniffed dismissively. “Your sister isn’t with you. I suppose she’s still disgracing our family by consorting with those of lesser station?”
“Celestia is fine, grandma. I’m sure she would send her love if she knew I would run into you.”
“Of course. She might need to grow out of her youthful phase of dalliance with the lessers, but in every other respect she is a well brought up young mare.” Gravita reached over to poke Luna’s nose. Luna shivered at the feeling of nothingness that brief contact caused. “You, however, still need to learn your manners. You were such a wonderful foal. You took after my lessons so well and I had such high hopes you would follow in my own hoofsteps, but your sister led you away from the right path. Perhaps you’ve reconsidered? Taking yourself away from that corrupting influence of-”
“Grandma! Normal matter is not corrupting or lesser! Just because it’s a minority compared to the dark matter in the rest of this part of creation doesn’t mean it’s any less reality.” Luna shouted in exasperation.
“Tsk. I see the minority has already ruined what few manners you had. I can only imagine what it’s been doing to your sister. Dark matter is the proper state of the universe. To have this ‘normal’ matter hanging onto the force of gravity, but coming up with it’s own radiation and atomic forces is just unseemly. Where will it end, Luna?” Gravita put a hoof against Luna’s shoulder. “What’s next? Another type of matter? Trying to take that silly electromagnetic spectrum your sister has been seduced with and trying to bring it to the nice orderly dark matter side of things? It would throw everything into chaos! The old ways are still around for a reason you know. Even your silly ‘normal’ matter knows that. Why do you think even it uses gravity instead of coming up with something brand new? Everything it does is just a copy of the superior dark matter version.”
“Grandma. I’m not having this conversation with you. Dark matter and normal matter are just fine. You don’t need to worry about our little tenth of the physical universe trying to take over or wrecking the rest of it.”
“Oh? It’s already taken the two youngest alicorns away from the work that really matters. I hear you’ve even raised two beings of normal matter to first stage alicorn status. Pretty soon those cut-rate alicorns will be coming here, taking our responsibilities away from the proper divine alicorns who have been doing them since the universe was created.”
“Grandma. There is only Celestia and I down there. I don’t know who you’ve been listening to, but we haven’t raised any other ponies to becoming alicorns.”
“I was talking to little Chrono just the other century and he said your sister had been encouraging some of that normal matter to have ambitions beyond their station. He wouldn’t lie to me about this.” Gravita poked at Luna’s shoulder again. “At least you don’t have anything to do with that, if you don’t know about it. Please say you’ll go help the proper alicorns with the right order of things from now on. We can’t have non-family alicorns meddling with the things their physical minds can’t possibly understand, no matter how much your sister tries to educate them.”
Luna just facehoofed and let out a long suffering groan. Her grandma was trading gossip with uncle Chronepsis again. Gossip about things that might not happen for another ten thousand years. She really wished her uncle didn’t bait his mother with events from the future like that. She closed her eyes to look at the bindings of harmony around her once again. Just another six hundred and forty-seven more years to go. Same as when she checked just yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. Time was just oozing by at a ridiculously slow pace when she didn’t have the dream realm to rest in every night.
“I hear my other sister calling me, grandma. I better go see what she needs help with.” Luna lied before stepping over to the kitchen area to collapse next to her slightly older sister. “How do you put up with them century after century? I’m considering just smashing holes in the cosmos just to let them escape so they aren’t here to bother me.”
Centuria just smiled and kissed the top of Luna’s head. One soft wing resting across her younger sister’s back. “It isn’t so bad once you get used to it. Plus being here means I don’t do anything most of them can complain about. As long as I don’t bring up certain subjects, I can actually have very nice conversations with just about everypony here. Who got to you this time?”
“Oh? I would have through you and her would-”
“Grandma Gravita.” Luna interrupted.
“Oh.” Centuria said. Her magic still stirring the mix in the bowl in front of her. “…well, she’s still family so we love her anyway. Why don’t you stay here and help me make these cookies? I’m trying a new recepie inspired by some of the stories you told me of the mortal ponies you look after.”